July 29, 2019
Ah’m biding noo in
a holiday village
Ah canna get parked
at ma door
Had to carry ma
groceries twa hunder yairds
It wisnae like this
afore.
There isnae a single
parking space
Onywhere on ma
street
There’s six fowk
rentin’ Puffin Cottage
An’ anither 12 in
the Puffin’s Retreat.
A group wur
unloading a Range Rover
Wi a’ kinds o’
fancy stuff fur thur stay
But the erse fell
oot o’ a Waitrose bag
An a’ their
Prosecco rolled doon the brae.
There wis bawlin’,
bubbles an’ broken glass
An’ a’ that
bevvy goin’ doon the drain.
But Isa Thamson’s
dug got tore in
An’ got steaming
oot its brain.
While this was going
on a car pulled up
Wi’ a hen party
fae Milngavie.
Each an’ every one
wiz dressed like a nun
And they shouted at
a passer by.
“Oi what you
lookin’ at?
Have you no’ seen
a nun before.”
“Aye”, says the
worthy, “there’s eight on the pier
An’ anither six
doon the shore.”
Now three German
visitors were sittin’ oan a bench
Tryin’ to make
sense of whit was goin’ on
When a group walking
the coastal path
Just happened to
come along.
They didnae respond
to the foreign greeting
An a’body stopped
in their tracks.
When the EU was
mentioned
Along with some
Brexit wisecracks.
But then there was a
helluva hullabaloo
An’ someone goin’
absolutely doolally
At the garden
stag-do at No12,
Now renamed the
Puffin Chalet.
The beer had been
too close to the barbecue
And they’d managed
to explode a keg.
But the groom-to-be
was more concerned
Wi’ Isa’s
drunken dug humpin’ on his leg.
Well the nuns a’
thought this funny
An’ so did the
Range Rover crew.
The Germans were
picking up glass
An’ the walkers
were helpin’ too.
I weaved my way
through them
Didnae know what to
say or do
When I was stopped
by the Hell’s Angels next door
On a self-catering
break at Puffin View.
They’d been
looking for some peace and quiet
A place for a break
an’ a rest.
The street they were
in last year was quieter
When they stayed at
that quaint Puffin Nest.
“Oh, ye cannae
bide there noo,” I telt them.
“That’s no for
the likes of you and me.
“It’s only fur
writers, artists, musicians
and those that have
been on the TV.”
With a’ this
demand fur holiday hames
I’m putting up a
‘For Sale’ sign
I’m moving to a
place that look less busy
I think St Kilda
will do me fine.
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