Agnetha's bum

February 2018

Big Tam’s went and got his jotters fae the company’s IT police. They came and took his computer when he was in the howff ha’in’ his piece. They wouldnae say what was going on, just wrote something on a wee tag, then unplugged a’ his cables, bunged the PC in a bag.

Then they went and got Tam while he still had half a cup of tea. Frogmarched him to the HR office for an investigation by the MD. It seemed he had “inappropriate material” displayed on his screen. It was spotted by a new co-worker who thought it totally obscene.

It was a rear view of a wifey wi’ her hands in the air, frozen in time wearing a catsuit, and sportin’ long blonde hair. You didnae need to see her face, you knew her right away, it was Agnetha fae Abba, the Dancin’ Queen on stage.

Although it is a classic pose, it gave the co-worker a fright. She said it was wrong to own a picture of ony clothing that tight. The fact that Agnetha was fully dressed didnae matter a jot. Ony man ha’in’ such a picture, she said, should be fired on the spot.

He’s depraved and perverted, a fetishist and a freak. His impure thoughts are repugnant - I’m so disgusted I can barely speak. What are you talking about? says Tam. This has got to be a joke. Abba have never offended anybody; how could Agnetha give you the boak?

Ah’m no sure what the issue is. Ah’m no sure what I’ve done. You cannae really be firing me for a picture of Agnetha’s bum. I got the photie as a present, my son bought it on eBay. It cost him £7.99 - I got it for my birthday.

It was just for a laugh, my wife didnae mind at a’. Ah’m no even a big Abba fan, but Agnetha’s bum is braw. She won the rear of the year, so you cannae disagree. A’ o’ Britain thought it was okay, so why are you picking on me?

It’s just my screensaver, a famous picture, nothing more. Have you seen hers though, tucked up in bed with her pet labrador. Oh you deviant pig, she screamed, you need kept away from good people like me. They should lock you up, and then throw away the key.

Calm down, pleads Tam, What have I really done? We’re talking a single picture, featuring Agnetha’s bum. You can’t seriously accuse me of being addicted to porn. Jings, what would you have done…if the picture had been of Bjorn?

That’s enough, said the HR director, homophobia is a step too far. Somebody will clear your desk and security will escort you to your car. Don’t expect a reference and don’t expect a redundancy sum. That’s the price you have to pay for having a picture of Agnetha’s bum.

The IT police tightened procedures and hold weekly spot checks. Our screens just have the company logo because we’re all sexual suspects. You can shop, or book holidays, check Facebook or Tweet all day. You can play Solitaire or Candy Crush, the boss says that’s all okay.

A group of lads watched an Isis beheading, in front of a’body, bold as brass… but even that wisnae seen as bad as that picture of Agnetha’s arse.

Picture: Efraimstochter