What's in a number?

Fife Free Press, August 16, 1996



“I am not a number” screamed Patrick McGoohan as The Prisoner in the cult TV series.

Well, it seems UR1 and we all want 2B1 cos it is trendy and prestigious.

I first ceased 2 B a person when I entered the cloisters of higher learning and immediately became 740044/1.

Over the years I've accumulated numerous PIN numbers, bank account numbers, National Insurance number, a PAYE code, telephone number, post code and even when I rent a video the first thing they ask is “What's your number?”

Which 1?

Since I am now, 2 all intents and purposes, a walking series of arithmetical combinations, I am amazed by the proliferation of personalised car registration plates.

It seems just about every other driver on the road has managed 2 get his or her hands on a plate which helps them remember who they R.

At one time, it was a blatant badge of snobbery and they all would have been as well reading: “Hey look at me in this big whopping car while UR stuck behind with your pathetic pauper mobile and your puny 7 letters and numbers, Yours sincerely BOB1 (or whatever).”

But the situation has taken on a new dimension now, with folk finding a personalised plate 4 their interests.

There's 1 car I see which has a plate crafted 2 sound like a popular domestic pet (I'm being careful here so as 2 avoid offence or a lawyer's letter). The back windscreen carries an I LOVE... sticker and the back parcel shelf is laden with cuddly toys of this particular species in the animal kingdom.

I am not impressed. This is a very sad case.

Now if the plate was BEER1, with a stickers saying I LOVE LAGER and the whole of the back seat littered with beer cans, then I would doff my cap. That person could then add 2 their prestige by becoming the most breathalysed driver on the roads.

How tragic can U get?

From a craze that I remember starting out on birthday cakes (UR21), it now seems we've reached the depths of tracking down a contrived plate 4 your personal tastes and interests.

I’m still searching 4 M1 NCE, V0 DKA, B 002E... 2 mention a few I can safely publish.

Of course, top of the popularity poll is still the old abbreviated name plate.

Now these are the people I think the police should target in any breathalyser campaign. If U need 2 C your name on a car 2 recognise it then I think suspicions should B aroused. Especially if it's a convertible Beamer or Merc. If you can't find that in a car park then you must be on your knees.

However, M0 RK15, has eluded me so far. But social pressure is such that I won't B outdone.  

I know a personalised plate is really only relevant to the driver, and probably his or her easily impressed family, leaving the other 59,999,996 members of the British population wondering just who the heck M0 RK15 is, and who the heck he or she thinks he or she is?

Nevertheless, since so many are now around and one has got 2 keep up with the Jones's 4 fear of not being invited 2 personalised plate cocktail parties, personalised plate rallies and so on, I have come with a wizard wheeze.

I have changed my name 2 match my registration plate. I am now GSA 214E, and that's Mr 214E 2 you plebs out there now.

So next time you overtake my old '67 Triumph Herald, just remember it may be falling 2 bits but the driver knows who he is.